I met this cute Japanese girl called Kuchisake-onna. She was wearing this weird surgical mask, but I guess that’s something Japanese people do? We got talking and she seemed really cool, not sappy or anything, which is good because I’m not a romantic guy. But when I was going to ask her to come back to my place, she interrupted and asked me if she was pretty. I don’t want to come across as sappy or uncool, but I don’t want to offend her either. What should I say?
(Image by Alzheimer13.)
In the past I have told people to run from relationships.
You should run even faster.
Tell Miss Kuchisake-onna “You are average,” then run, as if you were trying out for the Boston Marathan. After you’ve escaped, read the rest of my advice.
Kuchisake-onna is a spirit that has been around for hundreds of years, though she’s been particularly active for the past 30. When she was alive, her husband mutilated her face and killed her. And, like most spirits who have been wronged in life, she can’t get over her trauma. She approaches children, and unsuspecting men, and asks if she’s pretty. If they tell her, “No,” she’ll kill them with her scissors. If they say, “Yes,” she’ll remove her mask, ask if she’s still pretty, and then either cut them in half (if the victim says, “No,”) or slit the edges of the victim’s mouth (if the victim says, “Yes.”).
There’s no way to win with this woman.
Unless you confuse her by telling her she looks average. Then you have enough time, while she gathers her wits, to escape. You can also confuse her by asking if she thinks you’re pretty. “I’m sorry – I’m late for a previous engagement,” has also been known to work.
Next time, NW, avoid the chicks with the masks. At least you’ll have a better idea of what you’re going to get.