Hi,

I’m a Lich, and am having problems finding a mate. Most Liches are male, as am I, and it’s becoming a problem… specifically that all the non-Lich females I meet either have no interest in the undead or are crazy. Do you have any advice on finding Lich females? I’m not sure where they hang out. :(

 - Sad Lich

(Image by APGilberti.)

Dear SL,

This is a problem. However, it is not one without a solution. There are actually a small number of Lich females in the world, and they all tend to congregate together.

This is the deal: Back in the 1970s, with the rise of D&D, female Liches banded together to escape the patriarchy and formed Lychgates, exclusive clubs for female Liches. Most major cities (New York City, San Francisco, etc.) have one.

Now, Lychgates are not hard to find, just perform a web search on “Lychgate” + your local big city using your favorite search engine. The hard part will be getting inside the Lychgate since males are not allowed, not even with an invitation from a female Lich. Lychgates do, however, hire male Liches as bartenders, waiters, bouncers and dancers.

So, SL, this is what you do: Gussy up your bartending, waiting, bouncing or dancing skills and experience and put together an amazing resume. Get yourself several references from women who can attest to your respect of females and how you have rejected patriarchal values and behaviors. If they can also comment on your Lichey-hotness, this is a plus. Now, send your awesome resume and list of references to your local Lychgate and wait for the call. There will be one – because of the physical nature of Liches in general, Lychgates have a hard time obtaining and keeping employees.

Advice: Never, ever hit on the female Liches. Let them hit on you. Let them take the lead in all things, from asking you out to dating to whatever happens next.

And have an excellent time.

Spike