How to Have a Paranormal Romance

At the beginning of February, I received the following email:

Dear Spike,

I’m a middle-aged gentleman who starting dating an incredibly attractive middle aged mother of two adult daughters about six months ago. My new special lady friend and I get along well, and I enjoy her company. I am, however, slightly concerned.

When we first started dating, I inquired about her previous partner. She responded with, “Which one?” As time has gone on, I have gained the impression that she has several ex-husbands, all of whom have passed away. This isn’t necessarily my concern—everyone dies, after all. It has come to light that all of these gentlemen had children who my special lady friend fostered for short periods of time after their father’s died. Unfortunately, it also appears that my lady hasn’t had the best relationships with her step-children. Recently, while I was visiting her for afternoon tea, she received a court summons. All of these step-children have joined together in a lawsuit against my lady.

I asked my lady about the step-children. She said they were all horrible, hateful children who treated her and her own daughters terribly, and that anything she may have done to them was misunderstood and was intended to be protection for herself and her daughters.

I am in excellent health, and expect to live a long time. At the same time, I also have a daughter whom I adore. I do believe my lady, but I have begun to wonder. Maybe she just doesn’t get along with younger people.

Is it essential that my daughter have a warm, close relationship with my love and her daughters?

Sincerely,

A Gentleman Wants a Girl

Initially, my response was to be along the following lines:

This isn’t a paranormal romance. Why are you writing to me?

Then, I decided, well… I might as well. It couldn’t hurt anything to answer a mundane relationship question. Besides, I don’t get a lot of queries from men, let alone middle-aged men. It could broaden my demographic.

I decided to send the following reply:

To answer your question, I typically wouldn’t suggest that a step-mother must have a close relationship with her step-children; however, it does make life easier for everyone involved if everyone gets along decently well, or at least makes an effort to.

But I hesitated to post this as the response and continue along, answering the following week’s ParaRom question. Something didn’t seem right. For one thing, it seemed odd that one middle-aged woman might have so many husbands pass away on her. Secondly, that’s a lot of step-children that aren’t getting along with their step-mother. Thirdly, that’s got to be some serious mistreatment if all the step-children can bring an actual lawsuit.

I decided to investigate.

I met with AGWAG to learn more about his special lady friend. And folks, she is something special. She’s hot. Classy. And seriously well-to-do. But that’s not all she is.

I started pouring through court documents and old newspapers. I discovered this woman had been married thirty-two times. Each husband died under mysterious conditions. Each husband was wealthy. And each husband left his entire estate to ASWAG’s special lady friend.

Not only that, but fifty individual step-children are accusing this woman of abuse.

I questioned these children, past neighbors and associates. And then I realized the truth.

This is no plain old step-mother. This chick is THE wicked step-mother. And her daughters are the wicked step-sisters.

(Franz Jüttner)

Holy schzeetle!

Instead of posting a response via tumblr, I met with AGWAG over a nice glass of wine. I gave him what I had found and told him my conclusions, letting him down easily.

Valuing his daughter (and estate) more than his love life, AGWAG broke up with the wicked step-mother the next morning.

We are currently working on setting up protective spells for AGWAG, his daughter, and the ex-step-children who are suing their ex-step-mother in case the wicked step-mother hooks up with a wicked witch.

Of course, I also handed all my research over to the police.

My work on this case is done.

As for you ParaRom readers: I’m back.

Dear Spike,

My new boyfriend and I got together about two months ago, and so far the relationship is great. He’s a werewolf, so I’ve only been through a couple of his changes. Everything went fine, both times. He went out, did whatever it is that werewolves do, and I saw him again a couple nights later.

This is the problem: We don’t really ever talk about him being a werewolf, and I really want to know what happens and what he does when he goes out. I want to know what he looks like in his werewolf form. I love who he is, and I am in that part of the relationship where I want to learn everything about him, know about everything new. And I don’t know if it’s socially okay to ask my boyfriend these sorts of questions.

What do you think?

Wild Women Do

(Traditional German woodcut.)

Dear WWD,

Whether you ask these questions or not depends on what stage you are in your relationship. If the relationship is getting serious and is “moving to the next level,” then yeah, you should be able to ask and have a good conversation about this part of your boyfriend, for three reasons.

First, you should be able to communicate about yourselves with one another if you’re going to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. If you can’t talk about him going out once a month to do whatever, can you communicate about needs, wants, desires, hopes, dreams? What about when life gets hard? Will you be able to talk about that? Yeah, this may not initially be the easiest, most comfortable conversation the first time you have it, but you need to be able to talk about the serious life stuff as well as the fun and easy parts.

Secondly, if this relationship does get really serious, you’re going to be looking to the future and making a lot of decisions as a unified entity. His werewolf nature impacts you and your life together. His werewolf nature will impact any cubs you have together, if that is something you’re both interested in pursuing. There will be a point in your relationship, if you remain together and choose to be life partners or to marry, that you will have to hash out what it means to be with a werewolf who has evidently embraced his werewolf nature.

Finally, if you see any sort of future with this were-guy, you need to have a better sense of his lifestyle and what his werewolf identity means to him for you. What if the were-lifestyle includes aspects you can’t handle or deal with? Better to know now before you really get serious.

Now, I wouldn’t start out with saying, “I want to see you as a werewolf, and tag along next full moon, and know all about your werewolfness!” I’d keep the first conversations lighter than that. I’d suggest expressing to him that since this is an important part of who he is, you’d like to talk about it and understand this part of himself. Ask what it means to him to have this identity. Ask how he embraces it. Has it ever been difficult? Are there challenges? Are there benefits? Does he absolutely love this part of himself? Basically, ask questions that you’d ask any new boyfriend, just gear them in the werewolf direction. As the relationship progresses, the depth of your questions, and hopefully understanding, will grow.

Good luck!

Spike

Hey, Spike,

I met this cute Japanese girl called Kuchisake-onna. She was wearing this weird surgical mask, but I guess that’s something Japanese people do? We got talking and she seemed really cool, not sappy or anything, which is good because I’m not a romantic guy. But when I was going to ask her to come back to my place, she interrupted and asked me if she was pretty. I don’t want to come across as sappy or uncool, but I don’t want to offend her either. What should I say?

No Words

(Image by Alzheimer13.)

Dear NW,

In the past I have told people to run from relationships.

You should run even faster.

Tell Miss Kuchisake-onna “You are average,” then run, as if you were trying out for the Boston Marathan. After you’ve escaped, read the rest of my advice.

Got away?

Good.

Kuchisake-onna is a spirit that has been around for hundreds of years, though she’s been particularly active for the past 30. When she was alive, her husband mutilated her face and killed her. And, like most spirits who have been wronged in life, she can’t get over her trauma. She approaches children, and unsuspecting men, and asks if she’s pretty. If they tell her, “No,” she’ll kill them with her scissors. If they say, “Yes,” she’ll remove her mask, ask if she’s still pretty, and then either cut them in half (if the victim says, “No,”) or slit the edges of the victim’s mouth (if the victim says, “Yes.”).

There’s no way to win with this woman.

Unless you confuse her by telling her she looks average. Then you have enough time, while she gathers her wits, to escape. You can also confuse her by asking if she thinks you’re pretty. “I’m sorry – I’m late for a previous engagement,” has also been known to work.

Next time, NW, avoid the chicks with the masks. At least you’ll have a better idea of what you’re going to get.

Best,

Spike

A few people have asked how my self-help book, How to Have a Paranormal Romance, is coming. The book is going great! The first draft has gone through alpha readers who LOVE it. Right now, however, I’m focusing on Placenta of Love, and will be getting back to How to Have a Paranormal Romance  later. I promise I will try not to make you all wait too long for it!

By the way, I’m also holding a contest for Placenta of Love. Reading the book isn’t required to participate (though I’d love it if you did), and I’d be thrilled if you’d write a story or make some banner art for my contest!

This week’s advice column is below. I help a Lich find love. Wowzahs!

Hi,

I’m a Lich, and am having problems finding a mate. Most Liches are male, as am I, and it’s becoming a problem… specifically that all the non-Lich females I meet either have no interest in the undead or are crazy. Do you have any advice on finding Lich females? I’m not sure where they hang out. :(

 - Sad Lich

(Image by APGilberti.)

Dear SL,

This is a problem. However, it is not one without a solution. There are actually a small number of Lich females in the world, and they all tend to congregate together.

This is the deal: Back in the 1970s, with the rise of D&D, female Liches banded together to escape the patriarchy and formed Lychgates, exclusive clubs for female Liches. Most major cities (New York City, San Francisco, etc.) have one.

Now, Lychgates are not hard to find, just perform a web search on “Lychgate” + your local big city using your favorite search engine. The hard part will be getting inside the Lychgate since males are not allowed, not even with an invitation from a female Lich. Lychgates do, however, hire male Liches as bartenders, waiters, bouncers and dancers.

So, SL, this is what you do: Gussy up your bartending, waiting, bouncing or dancing skills and experience and put together an amazing resume. Get yourself several references from women who can attest to your respect of females and how you have rejected patriarchal values and behaviors. If they can also comment on your Lichey-hotness, this is a plus. Now, send your awesome resume and list of references to your local Lychgate and wait for the call. There will be one – because of the physical nature of Liches in general, Lychgates have a hard time obtaining and keeping employees.

Advice: Never, ever hit on the female Liches. Let them hit on you. Let them take the lead in all things, from asking you out to dating to whatever happens next.

And have an excellent time.

Spike

Dear Spike,

I’ve recently started dating Asmodeus, king of the Hebrew demons.

I love being with him – he’s really experienced and pretty famous among Hebrew demons. Also, depending on which head is in charge – the bull, the ram or the ogre, he’s amazingly versatile where it counts. Also, his flame-breathing lion is a rockin’ ride. Experienced technique, fame and versatility – what else could a girl ask for?

The problem is that recently the heads have started fighting over me. Like, if I have a romantic night full of amazing sex when the bull is in charge, the ogre and ram get pissed off and the three heads and I get into a huge fight; or if the ram head is in charge, the bull and ogre get pissed off and, again, all of us get into a huge argument.

I hate fighting with my boyfriend, and I hate it when he fights with himself.

What do I do?

Maybe One Head is Better

(Image from Collin de Plancy’s Dictionnaire Infernal.) 

Dear MOHIB,

Your situation isn’t too much of a surprise. Asmodeus is a passionate demon – he’s lustful, and his powers are wrath and revenge, which means he has a tendency to cause fights between partners. Also, he loves the bedroom. Him turning on himself, and consequently you, is probably to be expected.

These are innate traits your boyfriend was born with, and they’re likely to stay. He’s been like this for thousands of years – he probably won’t change in your lifetime.

That being said, it’s possible that if you sit down together and discuss how you feel about the situation, and how he feels, you might be able to clear the air long enough to hash out some agreements.

Because this is the deal – you are in a polyamorous relationship; the key to a successful polyamorous relationship is communication, honesty and respect.  You and your boyfriend need to discuss how you will make this relationship work.

I suggest you purchase a copy of The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, 2^nd edition (2009) by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. Read through the book together and do the exercises.

And talk, lovingly and respectfully, a lot.

You may also want to consider visiting a paranormal- poly-friendly counselor to help you discuss how your relationship will work.

Best of luck!

Spike

Dear Spike,

I’m a professional baker. Recently I attracted the attention of a wood-wife with a batch of freshly baked bread.

She is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and I would love to ask her out on a date. The trouble is, I’m not sure how. I haven’t dated a lot of girls, let alone wood-wives. I’m not sure what I could do that would catch her fancy, other than keep making bread.

Baker in Love

(Image by David.Monniaux.)

Dear BIL,

The best thing you can do is be the sweet person you obviously are.

Wood-wives love bread. They adore it. I suggest you keep baking and giving her loaves of delicious bread to take home. Be sure, however, not to give her bread with caraway seeds – wood-wives detest caraway seeds. Also, do not give her loaves of bread with holes, even a small dent from a misplaced thumb. Your wood-wife will take offense.

I’d also suggest brushing up on your carpentry skills. If you can fix her wheelbarrow or another wood-wife tool, she will be eternally grateful.

Be aware that wood-wives are introverts. They don’t like large groups of people and they don’t like people invading their forests uninvited. They prefer to stay at home in their woods. The only reason your wood-wife ventured out of her woods was because she loved the smell of your bread so much.

Speak quietly to her, be gentle and be sincere.  Take her for quiet walks and offer to do her favors. Be sure that when you take her for walks to not break tree branches. When tree branches break to the point of removing tree bark, a wood-wife dies. This probably would not amuse her; she may be the one to die.

I would suggest treading carefully with this relationship. Wood-wives are tricksy creatures. Though beautiful and quiet, they often attract windstorms. They have also been known to attack or cause bad luck for those who offend them. 

Let me know how the dating goes!

Good luck,

Spike

Dear Spike,

I’m a college night school English professor.

I have a new student this semester. She’s an excellent student, but she says she’s a Chinese fox fairy.

Recently, however, our relationship has started to become uncomfortable. She stays behind after every class to talk to me, flirting, telling me to call her “Foxy.”  She is a beautiful, tempting young woman, but it would be unethical for me to have a relationship with her. Mostly, however, there are times when I look at her that she looks a lot like my dead grandmother.

Over the past week, I think she’s been following me home. The last few nights, I can hear something clambering across the roof of my house. I could be paranoid, but I’m sure it’s her.

I need advice on how to let her down nicely without hurting her feelings or compromising our relationship, especially since she might compromise my job.

Thank you,

Professor in Trouble

Dear Pit,

You’re right to be concerned. Chinese fox fairies are dangerous to play with.

Chinese fox fairies are the shape-shifting spirit of a dead person. The tempting female, and your grandmother, are shapes this spirit is taking. They seduce their marks, and then steal the mark’s vital essence during orgasm. Chinese fox fairies continue to do this until the mark’s essence is completely sucked dry, and the mark wastes away and die.

Chinese fox fairies can also possess marks, purely out of spite or malevolence, causing the mark to appear psychotic. It’s possible, in fact, that the mark may actually become psychotic.

Also, it’s not uncommon for Chinese fox fairies to prowl around their mark’s houses – they’re particularly attracted to roofs.

You, Pit, are this Fox Fairy’s mark. If you give into her, she will suck you dry. If you turn her down, she may possess you.

Don’t despair – there is an easy solution.

Invite her to dinner. Give her lots of wine. Get her smashed on wine. She will return to her original form. Once you see her true self, she will become embarrassed and disappear from your life forever.

There is another option. If you see her in her fox form and can catch her, cut off her tail, which is her source of power. She will flee and never trouble you, or anyone else, ever again.

Best of luck,

Spike

Dear Spike,

Last fall you gave me some excellent advice on what to do about my vampire boyfriend who didn’t want to be around me, let alone get down with me, during that time of the month. Your advice was excellent and made a huge difference in our relationship.

Now we have a new problem. As of the beginning of the new year, my vampire boyfriend has had a difficult time getting an erection. Part of the reason we originally got together was because I had read Twilight  and decided I wanted a boyfriend that was as hard as granite, too. Things were great at first. Maybe he wasn’t as hard as granite, but he was pretty mighty down there. But now, since the new year, my boyfriend isn’t as hard as anything, and I’m worried about how solutions like Viagra may interact with his non-human biology.

Sincerely,

Save Me Spike

(Image by Natural Viagra)

Dear SMS,

Wow. Boy, don’t I know the feeling. Girl wants guy, girl gets guy, guy gets… sad.

Luckily, there’s a super-easy solution to get your vampire boyfriend up and running.

You’re right — Viagra isn’t the right solution for a vampire. However, there is the perfect natural supplement that will get your boyfriend in the major vampire leagues: blood. That’s right — your boyfriend probably isn’t getting enough blood in his diet. So, tell him to drink up and all will be well.

As a side note, I’d suggest not letting your boyfriend know you’re with him because of your Twilight vampire love. It might make his lack-of-granite make him feel self-conscious.

Cheers!

Spike

Dear Spike,

I’m trying to decide whether or not I should break up with my boyfriend. We’ve mostly been a good relationship, even though he’s not too bright.

My boyfriend says he’s a Palis demon from the Arabian Desert. At first I was okay with this. Lots of my girlfriends are dating demons. He said there wasn’t any special about his demon-ness. He just liked the desert a lot. After we’d been together for a few months, he sprung the big one on me – he has a foot fetish.

Lately, all he wants to do is lick my feet. Frankly, I’m not entirely comfortable with this. I mean, they’re my feet and I don’t think they’re totally disgusting or anything, but the thought of him constantly licking them freaks me out.

My boyfriend says that foot fetishes are natural and if I loved him, I’d let him spend time down there. But I just don’t know. We tried it a couple times, and each time I felt really sick for several days afterwards.

I know it’s possible there’s something he’s not telling me, like maybe he’s cast a charm to punish me for not letting him have more foot action, but I really think we’re just not sexually compatible. I’d love for us to be compatible, and I’d love our relationship to work out, but I don’t think I can get over his love of feet.

Not A Foot Lover

(Image by Candy Lee)

Dear NOFL,

Wow!  A Palis demon. They’re very rare, especially in the United States. I actually had to look this one up.

NOFL, your instincts are correct. Run, don’t walk, from this relationship.

Palis demons are feet lickers who lick and lick until they’ve leeched all the blood from their victims. Though their foot love isn’t necessarily deadly, it can be. It sounds like your boyfriend has control over his desires since you’re still with us. This is good.

This doesn’t make up for the fact that your Palis boyfriend wasn’t 100 percent upfront with you. His love of feet licking goes beyond a fetish – the need to lick feet is an inherent part of who he is, just like his love of the desert. Boyfriends – paranormal or not, dangerous or not – should be straight with you, especially when sharing exactly what makes them tick.

As a side note, you may want to enact some preventative measures post-breakup, just in case. Palis demons love to lick while victims sleep. Consider bedding up with a pal, and sleep sole-to-sole in bed for a while. Your boyfriend sounds like most Palis demons – not too bright. The sole-to-sole sleeping method will confuse him. Keep a container of salt around, too, as a repellent. If he shows up and starts wagging his tongue, you can dash some salt on him and he’ll flee.

Best of luck,

Spike

Dear Spike,

I’m a twenty-two-year-old female. My high school sweetheart was recently infected by a zombie, which means he’s started to turn himself.

Just before my boyfriend was turned, I decided to break up with him. I realized that we had both grown up a lot since high school and that neither of us were the people we once were. However, now that his life as a conscious person is only going to last another two months or so before his brain completely rots away and he’s a mindless monster, I can’t decide if I should break up with him now as I was going to, or if I should hang out for another couple months and break up with him once he’s totally a zombie.

Help me, Spike. What’s the ethical thing to do here?

I Don’t Even Wanna Be Friends

(Image by Bob Jagendorf)

Dear IDEWBF (How do you pronounce that anyway?),

This is a huge ethical conundrum, and I suspect you’re not the last person who will have to struggle with this type of situation now that the zombie is spreading.

I can’t tell you the right thing to do here. This is a complicated situation and only you can decide what’s best for you. However, I can offer some guidance; determining the right thing to do is going to involve asking yourself some pretty hardcore questions. And I can offer a suggestion.

I’d consider some of the following:

Where was my boyfriend emotionally when he was turned? Was he still completely into me, or was he fading, too? (In other words, how crushed will he be if you break up with him?)

If I break up with him now, will he think it’s because he’s turning into a zombie? (“It’s not you, it’s me,” and “We’ve both changed and are going in completely different directions,” both have entirely different connotations now.)

Can I sacrifice for the next two months, in honor of this important relationship, so that my boyfriend can completely zombify feeling love instead of being depressed because his major life relationship broke up with him? (Not to totally guilt you out or anything.)

Can I have a relationship with someone who is turning? (The realities of a turning human body can get pretty stomach-turning.)

So, IDEWBF, you asked me what the ethical thing to do is. Very little work has been done on the ethics of paranormal relationships. I imagine this will change over time, but right now we have no real guidelines. I do have a suggestion for you. It’s not the easiest, most fun answer, and it involves sacrifice. But you didn’t ask me for the easy answer – you asked for the ethical answer.

I believe the ethical thing is to stick it out with your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend until he’s either completely zombified or gets to the point where he’s dangerous to your personal well-being. Currently, the CDC and other governmental agencies recommend not having sexual contact with someone who is currently zombifying, for the safety of the non-zombifying partner. This means you don’t have to have sex with someone you don’t love (anymore). You are simply being a companion – a loving, dear friend. I imagine you still care for your boyfriend, still have love for him, even if it’s not the romantic love you once felt. 

Have fun with your boyfriend. Be straight with him and tell him there are activities you are no longer comfortable participating in for your personal safety, but still show him a good time. See some movies, ride some roller coasters.  Give him lots of good memories, even if these will waste away with his deteriorating brain. And then, when he’s a zombie, wish him well and blow his head blown off with a sod-off shot gun. (Or get a friend to do it, if you don’t have the stomach.)

And then do the mourning you have to do and get another boyfriend. (Preferably a non-zombie.)

Good luck,

Spike

Dear Spike,

I just started dating a vampire. It’s my first paranormal relationship and things are awesome! I enjoy his company, and I don’t mind his personality quirks. I’m okay with him being reanimated by demon possession, drinking some of my blood and even going outside our relationship for blood. It’s okay that we can only go out at night, he’s a day sleeper and that he doesn’t have, what my mom would call, a real job – he’s independently wealthy. Kind of like a trust fund kid.

The biggest issue in our relationship is that he’s so cold. I mean, his body is cold. Like freezing. Usually I get around this by wearing thermal underwear and using lots of blankets when we cuddle or have sex. However, the thermal underwear and blankets don’t help when he penetrates me. It’s like inserting dry ice over and over again.

I love making love with my boyfriend, but I’m not sure I can keep doing it when it’s so painful. Do you have any suggestions?

Frigid On The Inside

(Image by Justin McIntosh.)

Dear FOTI,

Paranormal relationships are like any human relationship you’ve had in the past. There’s hopefully lots of good bits, but there’s also … difficult bits.

Never fear, as long as you’re good with the majority of the relationship, it’s possible to find work-around solutions to make the relationship wholly satisfying.

In your case, you’ve got to figure out a way to warm your vampire boyfriend up in a very strategic way. I suggest trying a product that goes by a variety of names: warming gel, heat warming massage lotion, warming lubricant and the more urbane motion lotion (also a brand name for such a product). This product frequently comes in a variety of flavors like cherry, strawberry, mango, vanilla and passion fruit.

Simply apply the warming gel to his penis. Blow on the gel and apply friction. I guarantee you’ll be toasty warm by the time you’re done.

Happy holidays, FOTI!

Spike

The letters were inevitable.

Ever since my Bizarro romance, Placenta of Love, came out and my shape-shifting shaman boyfriend morphed in the middle of a science fiction convention this fall, I’ve been getting emails from individuals desperate for advice on how to navigate a paranormal romance.

The queries have come from all ages and sexes, or non-sexes. No one group is represented. Currently, there are no resources for those in relationships with paranormal creatures, other than those represented in fiction and on TV. However, as several of the emails pointed out, Sookie, Buffy and Bella just aren’t cutting it. I mean, we’ve seen how their relationships worked out.

I have happily answered these emails to the best of my ability.

But I want to do more.

(Image by Philip Berne-Jones)

As a modern woman who has successfully navigated the paranormal romance frontier, and watched several friends have paranormal relationships, I’ve decided to post the emails asking for advice and my responses. (With the consent of the querying parties, of course.)

I hope these posts will provide a valuable resource to all those involved in paranormal romances, people who have questions and quandaries, but aren’t sure where to turn.

Here is it: How to Have a Paranormal Romance, the advice even Sookie, Buffy and Bella needed.